Children’s tantrums: 6 ways to break the escalation

“Young children don’t throw tantrums on purpose.”

You hear that a lot. The implication: “Your child isn’t being difficult. You’re the one who hasn’t understood anything.”

Still, let’s look at the definitions of the French word caprice in the Larousse dictionary: “someone’s sudden, unconsidered and changeable desire”, “a sudden, passing love or enthusiasm for someone or something”, or “the changes and irregularities to which certain things are subject”.

🧐 Remind you of your Saturday afternoon with the children too?

That is normal. All children are “capricious”. But that does not make them sneaky, manipulative, or badly brought up. They get carried away by the emotions passing through them, that’s all. Because they have not yet learned to control them. And because they lack the vocabulary to explain exactly why they are upset—even more than you do.

You get angry, I get angry, we all get angry

It is only a tiny trainer-clad step from an unresolved frustration to aggressive behaviour. So, more often than we would like, there is shouting, hitting, rolling on the floor, saying unkind things, or breaking toys. We are talking about the child here, not you.

You were promised a cute Mogwai and ended up with a possessed Gremlin. Under the circumstances, staying calm and constructive is not always easy. That is a figure of speech called understatement, to avoid saying “it makes you lose your mind”.

Not all parents are playing on the same difficulty setting. The frequency and intensity of a child’s outbursts are influenced by their genetic inheritance—for which you are responsible, but not guilty—and numerous environmental factors, right from conception. You cannot control everything.

Whether you are playing on easy or hardcore, here are six research-backed tips for finishing the game of “Kid Rage” without pulling out too much hair.

1. Do not take it personally

A child’s tantrum is not directed against you. Even if your eardrums are taking the punishment because you made them get out of the bath.

It is especially important to remember this because a study found a strong correlation between parents perceiving—or not perceiving—a personal attack and children maintaining—or not maintaining—regular aggressive behaviour two years later.

Similarly, a child who has angry outbursts is not an “angry child”. If a passing phase becomes their identity in their carers’ minds, that “little monster” will have more difficulty moving beyond it.

The moral: try to remain steady through the storm, and do not hold a grudge over a passing tantrum.

2. Remember that your child is not the cleverest person in the room—yet

A child’s brain is certainly a sponge. But a bargain-basement sponge: the sort that leaves a good portion of the puddle of information on the table instead of soaking it up.

Children can take several seconds to understand a basic instruction. When we rush and repeat the instruction too quickly, we risk overheating them. And overheating means an explosion.

The drinking sessions of your youth are finally going to come in useful. Imagine your child is that friend who has had far too much. They are quick to hug, but can also get angry fast if they feel threatened. Watch them to work out what is upsetting them. Handle them gently. Take them by the shoulder, appeal to their feelings, and bring them home.

3. Put your money on sleep

We suspected it, and several studies confirm it: if you want your child’s behaviour to improve, they need enough sleep.

In the short term, tiredness makes children—and parents—much more touchy. You can start worrying about your child’s behaviour when they are simply exhausted by a winter virus.

But sleep matters in the longer term too: good sleep helps consolidate the day’s lessons. “Shouting at Dad hurts his ears.” “Hitting my sister doesn’t solve my problems.” And so on.

4. Defuse things with humour—and love

The best short-term technique is often to move on to something else. Humour is your ally here, and it does not have to be subtle. You are under pressure too. Forget your dignity and fall back on the classics: poo, pee, farts, underpants on your head. You have a crisis to manage.

Do avoid making fun of their anger, though. That is more likely to make things worse than resolve them.

Research with adults also suggests that thinking about loved ones can defuse aggressive behaviour. It may be worth trying with a child old enough to have those kinds of memories.

5. Make time to talk about emotions

Without falling into the trap of “The child has calmed down, I reopen the subject, oops, I’ve set them off again”, it can help to invite that little bundle of nerves to explore their feelings during or just after an outburst. Anger? Sadness? Hurt pride?

By attaching simple definitions and concrete examples to these subtle emotional differences, you help your child understand—and, eventually, manage—their full range of feelings.

Outside moments of crisis, play is also an effective way to support emotional intelligence. There are even board games devoted to it.

6. Do not hesitate to get help

If outbursts become too frequent, last too long, or become too intense, or if repeated incidents make you fear for your child’s safety or other people’s, consulting a child psychologist is clearly advisable.

Even if there is nothing especially alarming, involving a psychologist is a good idea when the outbursts are weighing on your relationship with your child—or on your own morale. A trained, experienced third person may find the words to loosen a knot you have been unable to untangle.

We all need to love each other more than we need to shout at each other.

Photo: Ryan Franco.

Read the French original